“Do not be content with showing words alone,let your heart burn with loving kindness for all who may cross your path.” Abdu'l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 16
Deeds and words,Can we cause disunity ,while we are building the bridge of unity?
Have you ever said something to someone and then went back on your word?Have you ever said let’s talk soon and never did?
Have you ever met someone and said hey,lets get together soon and never did?
Have you ever wondered what that may do to the person we said that to?
What if this person is someone that hasn’t heard I love you very often ,or feels abandoned,has had a hug in which they don’t experience very often.,has deep conversations.
And then they nevr have contact with you again?
They are probably wondering ,I feel very deceived,separated ,I’m not important etc.
It becomes internal,then when this person is no longer around it can be very damaging and it can cause disunity, the person who experienced this deep moment may then start to think that this person doesn’t care about me,they start to manifest thoughts that aren’t unifiying
How can we keep this from happening,or can we, or is it inevitable or is it part of it? We build a bridge and then we close the gate.This is a question that has been on my mind for a long time.
Facebook for example is a place where you can get a lot of people who become your friend,I have friends that have defriended because they don’t have a connection,they are not really friends they don’t talk ,we live in a world where we know that people are really wanting to have relationships…….committed ones ,…are difficult ….it’s a lot of work ,whether it’s a marriage or a friendship between two people that share a similar vision,its a lot of work and can carry disappointment and we realise that these things can happen.
Can you work thru it and where is your relationship at?Because if you don’t hear from people you think gee I am not as important to this person as they may have said and maybe they were just talking cow poop to me.
That is one of the things that has been on my mind
This is something that has to be delt with,it happens a lot between men and women,men and men, women and women,lack of transparency.
People don’t realize what is going on because communication has stopped.
I have a small group of friends that I will do anything for, will talk about anything with them,I love them ,and they know this ,I make no bones about it.because if I love you ,you are going to hear it all the time!!
They don’t have to doubt it ,it is transparent.Mostly, we are not honest and clear about what we mean, with our actions.When I say I love you ,I mean you are in my heart and in my life.
We shouldn’t just say things like I love you ,you are special to me, when we use phrases we have to really realize what we are saying, because to other people it’s a big deal and it may be the only connection they have to the light, to the love and seeing spirituality in a different way.
This is a priority to look at that our words and our actions agree.
Actions speak louder than words.If you say to someone that you love them or you care for them,and you don’t come through, you need to commit or not say it at all.
Its very damaging ,can change that view of that person towards other people
Or of others who may come to them after and say to them I love you, you are important or we are friends..”Friend” has been used loosely on the amount of networking sites that exist,I have people that follow me on twitter, most are networking trying to get me to look at their stuff, if I am going to look at their stuff, or blog or website,I am going to do it,I’m going to block people if I want to.
I am on this earth to progress my soul and having empty relationships is not a way I am going to go about doing it.
I am interested in what people have to think about this subject?
Peace~T
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Beautiful---very powerful and profound thoughts! I agree, we must first look within, with an understanding of how our conduct truly affects others, and how a virtuous conduct compares with a less virtuous one. "The sword of a virtuous character and upright conduct is sharper than blades of steel." The quote speaks for itself, but to me it means continually exerting effort to live with integrity and devotion, both internally and externally.
ReplyDeletePragmatically, I try to deal with the issue of friendship in a couple of ways. First, I try to practice a form of detachment, not to be sad our feel let down by things that are out of my control, and even to some degree, events that our within my control.
Second, I try to have faith that my fellow man's sincerity transcends his shortcomings.
And finally, I think seeing others as a reflection of myself allows me to better empathize with people and also avoid drawing prejudicial judgments, but treat them how I would want to be treated.
I think were I fall short is making that extra effort to reach out to people. I want to know what I can do so that my heart not only will “burn with loving kindness for all who may cross your path” but that it will stay aflame. I guess that’s the same question your asking.
Love to hear other thoughts.
Yes, particularly in the last 6 months, this issue has very much been in the forefront of my life experiences.
ReplyDelete"I care about you", "You are important to me", or "I love you" easily roll off our tongues. Following through with action that concretely substantiates those words is quite another matter. How can someone who claims to "love" me and want to be with me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically one day and then six weeks later "change their mind"? I do not believe “love” is that fickle. How can a family member I've supported through many hard times, for many years, decide to cut me out of their child's life for a period of time because they are upset with me about one thing? How does that demonstrate love? How can someone who claims to "love" me, say they will connect with me before they move out of town, and then not follow through and not respond to any of my communications? To me these actions are not love, but rather examples of our current limited capacity to demonstrate love for another.
I do struggle to reconcile people's words with people's actions. In the end, actions have always carried more weight with me than words. My experience is that the degree of trust and the quality of a relationship continually increases the more consistently each person follows up their words with action. Thus, this is one of the primary methods I use to determine who, in my personal life, will I cultivate a personal relationship with. I am open to forming new connections, however, we live in a busy world, filled with distractions that attempt to pull us in many directions, and we have a defined amount of time to live our life. How do we want to expend it? And with whom?
How can we as humans hope to create peace, love, understanding, and respect on a global scale if we do not take personal responsibility in our own individual relationships? I truly believe that how we behave in our individual, personal relationships is what we collectively manifest on our planet at a global level. Sometimes we are over-focused on helping the planet and humanity "out there" to the detriment of our personal relationships, deeming them as having "lesser" value, priority, and importance in our life because we are supposedly doing more important work “out there.” Conversely, we can be over-focused on only those immediately around us such that we loose sight of the larger community, regional, national, and global needs.
For myself, I choose the middle way. For those that I am close to, I do my best to have action follow my words. Mindful that I am only human, with two arms, two legs and 24hrs in a day, thus I can only reasonably cultivate so many quality relationships. And at the same time, I choose to give of my heart and actively volunteer in order to contribute to making the world a better place.
I submit that Love begins with us. Integrity begins with us. Caring begins with us. RESPONSE-ability begins with us. Can we be conscious enough to respond to another? Consciously cultivating the ability to set aside our own discomfort, our own needs, our own agenda, in order to serve the highest and best interest of another?
Does this mean we will be perfect, always getting things "right"? No. Will we make mistakes? Yes. Will we need forgiveness and understanding? Yes. Yes. And regardless, we can still take up our response-abilities and "Keep on keeping on." We can internalize as values striving to love deeper, to understand more, and to reveal more of the essence of who we are. As a start, I hold close Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements":
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simple do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Thankyou both for replying.
ReplyDeleteArmin you said,"Firstly,practice a form of detachment, not to be sad our feel let down by things that are out of my control, and even to some degree, events that are within my control."
"Second, I try to have faith that my fellow man's sincerity transcends his shortcomings."
This is something that I always have to remind myself of.....because I think we never really know anyone.I have to stop my monkey mind from putting thoughts in my head that are not good ones.
I find it amazing that we will doubt everything we have experienced and then some.
Cheryl,I love that you wrote down the four agreements because these are basic things that if we do them we will move forward in our lives.
I saw this quote today on twitter from someone that is following me....
"The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them"
If we cannot get the healing we need due to accountability then we are wounded,and it takes time to heal those wounds.
I don't ask much....or maybe I do.....honesty and integrity....are key...and maybe we have them and then things change and then we don't...
~T
"Let deeds not words be your adorning" - Baha'u'llah
ReplyDeleteI think this is a really useful conversation Tamara. We have talked about this before. I think you should post this on ST too if you haven't already.
I believe that our personal experience must determine how we respond to what people say to us. If we have grown up in an environment where people say things and don't follow them up (like I have), I think we are more sensitive to it. Our own sense of worth also plays a part (re: Armin and Cheryl's comments about not taking anything personally, something great to strive towards). I have a big issue with this too - phrases like 'I really miss you', 'I love you lots' seem so easy for people to say, but I don't know what they really mean. I have had people recently say to me phrases similar to 'I really miss you, we must hook up soon', 'I'll call you soon, I miss you', 'We love you lots'... people that actually have not known me that long, have not spent enough time getting to know me that well, mainly fellow Baha'is. Part of me thinks - perhaps someone with a more secure upbringing is used to saying these things, they have a better sense of trust, that people do what they say....? But recently I have been thinking - why do they NEED to say these things to me in the first place?
I have friends who I have had for 10, 15 years or more. I know I'll be friends with them for life. Sometimes we don't speak for 6 months. We are all busy. That's fine. But when we do speak, I know the bond is there, I know the friendship is secure. The previous experience and trust has accumulated. Yet these friends don't feel the need to constantly say that they miss me or love me. Why do people that don't even know me that well or that long feel the need to say this, and then not back it up with anything substantial? I don't understand. For me, I can't help but feel it is not sincere and authentic, and for me, sincerity and authenticity are paramount in a close relationship.
It is causing me a really big problem at the moment, and me only way of dealing with it is to start to avoid those people who's deeds are not in line with their words. And that saddens me.