Rely on God is the only thing I can say

I'm sitting here looking at my Nana and then looking out the window as she sleeps peacefully in her hospital room.It has been a week since her cardiac arrest and the miracle of her coming back to us after that.The Doctor jokingly as an icebreaker asked her if she saw any lights or tunnels.My Nana said no she didn’t and the doctor said ,”then I guess it just wasn’t your turn to go!”My Nana,Ethel Donalda Edwards has never spent more than a few days in the hospital in her life!She is 93 years of age and just had her birthday on December 13th.The chain of events that occurred up to that point quite possibly lead to what happened on December 16th.As I received the call from my sister I remember immediately going to my prayer book and saying the healing prayer.I was literally screaming it and fervently asking God for healing most likely for my Nana not to leave this world yet.I felt like something was being ripped from me,a feeling that was physically felt.I don't know what it was and I am not going to spend much time trying to figure it out.We got to the hospital emergency and they sent us into a room and the doctor came in and told us to prepare ourselves.....

How do you prepare yourself?

Preparation takes time…..I saw my family immediately halt and come together.It is human nature to rely on God at first response whether you believe or not.We ask God all the time for things just flippantly..But now it was for my grandmother.

I saw my family scrambling,hanging by a thread and at that moment I separated from my fear to my reliance on God.I wanted God to remove any difficulties from my family.The guilt,the sadness,everything which is completely unrealistic on my part but I saw my Nana in the worst possible condition I had ever seen her.My Nana taught me about perseverance,struggle and victory.Things I didn't realize until this defining moment!She had gone into cardiac arrest, no heart beat,no breathing. The paramedic resuscitated my grandmother and she was breathing on her own. They got her to hospital and it seemed like it was a flash in time.My understanding is that there is a 35% chance of coming back from this and that usually there is some damage,She was trying to get out of the bed at one point and kept saying she was scared and she didn't know what was going on. She was on morphine and it made her feel weird..My Nana has never really taken any type of painkiller ever. And the fact that she feels funny isn't helping keeping her from panicking and to tell someone that thinks they may be dying not to panic….well how stupid are we?.A funny society are we that we can tell someone not to panic when we are just as panicked!!!As the hour went on the Doctor came back with the test results and said that she had no stroke,no heart attack , no bleeding of the brain etc.The Doctor said that he had never seen anything like this……..my Nana was in good shape except for a few broken ribs. She wasn't really believing that we were telling her the truth about her condition.She said she didn't want to die and didn't want to leave us yet!! and I said to her"well don't! Fight! You are here because it’s not your time yet!Have faith,don’t be afraid God will look after you..

As the hours went on she was getting better vitals and everything were looking great although she felt awful....we all took turns staying through the night.

One thing that was interesting considering my Nana was my first spiritual teacher about God and that you didn't need to be at church to know he loves you. She has her doubts about God and the minister from her church came and I said to her talk to him about God,it’s what she is used to.She said she didn't know what to ask. So I figured this was a good way to start the conversation,so I said to him ,my Grandmother would like to talk to you about God but she doesn’t know where to start so maybe you can?”I left them be and they had a great time!

I left her a couple of my prayer books and said that she could say specific ones for certain things.She asked if I had a day book…….so I brought it in the next day.I guess the one thing I realized is the importance of sharing what I know about Baha’u’llah and the prayers we have been given.I saw her reading the back of the little white prayer book I had left her.She is very scared and doesn’t know what she wants or is not really used to receiving help,love assistance of any kind!Her generation give give give….We can learn a lot from this generation.The selflessness that she has shown throughout her life.I talked to her about having faith and that this is not the last pace for her.I asked her to be selfish about her getting better and progressing in her recovery.She sometimes seems like she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and worries about us constantly.

She said she didn’t want to leave us….I said to her that we don’t want that either but if she did we would go on….we would be sad.She was my “mother” growing up.I love her and she knows that…….we spoke the night before she went into cardiac arrest about how much I loved her and how much I respected her and that she had always been there for me.

It is difficult to see someone you love have doubt about their beliefs……It’s hard to watch them become scared…..When you love them and you know you have said everything you can to reassure them that this is not the end.

I pray for my Nana everyday…sometimes I wake in the night reciting the healing prayer…..

I ask that whom ever reads this blog please pray for my Nana and my family.I have simplified my life so that all my trust is in God and that I don’t allow things to get in the way.Nothing is as important as the person in front of me at any time……..and when I am with her she is all I see.


Thy name is my healing, O my God, and remembrance of Thee is my remedy. Nearness to Thee is my hope, and love for Thee is my companion. Thy mercy to me is my healing and my succor in both this world and the world to come. Thou, verily, art the All-Bountiful, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise.
Bahá’u’lláh

where our loyalties lie.........

When I say lie.........it has two meanings.....

as in where we place their importance and that we are lying to ourselves that our lives are full and rich and prosperous.....

do we have more loyalty to our Airmiles,store point systems,etc than we do to our families??I am thinking "YES" on this one!

we used to keep pictures of our families in our wallets,now we keep a plethora of of plastic that has no bearing on life,relationships within it.......is this all about the fear we have attached to relationships and not getting hurt? you tell me?

Pilgrimage Part 1 London

It is said that Baha’I Pilgrimage is the fulfillment of the idea of “The Most Great Pilgrimage”.In no other religion can you pay respects and visit the Shrines of two Manifestations of God ,The Bab and Baha’u’llah and visit the Shrine of Abdu’l-Baha and visit the Holy places of the Baha’i Faith.It is a wonder and a blessing and cannot be understood until the next world…….

I remember when I sat in the International Teaching Centre ,I heard that said,the hairs stood up on the back of my neck and I could have cried with absolute joy….but I try to keep a grip.

I understand the beginning of my journey a lot better now.

I had left for London on Oct 27.I,for one couldn’t believe I was actually getting on a plane and was to embark on the first leg of Pilgrimage.In London,I spent a lot of time in art galleries because art is a great love affair of mine and I could just sit and gaze into a painting for days…….I drank in the London scene but I had a mission and that was to go to “New Southgate Cemetery.This is where the Resting Place for Shoghi Effendi,The Beloved Guardian of the Baha’I Faith was laid to rest.I had a map that was quickly deteriorating before my eyes…..It was a Sunday and my last day in London and the rain was coming down sideways!The walk to the cemetery seemed to take forever and was quite a journey in itself.

I had to ask for directions a few times and I finally got to the edge of the cemetery.I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get there!I started seeing headstones and I felt relief!I walked into the cemetery and I started to find my way…..The map wasn’t detailed enough for me, because I like details and exactness…I was not groovin’ with this map.As I walked along the road I was not finding the caretakers office.I think the combination of rain,frustration and a few other things were getting to me….but I thought to myself….don’t worry you are almost there.

As I walked,there was a blue car driving around with a lady and a little boy in it.something about them was interesting…I figured she may be lost too and we were looking for the same thing??I stopped to ask directions from two men in a car,I figured people come here all the time and some may come often and possibly know their way around the place..I might add that this cemetery is GIGANTIC!!!I have never seen anything that big…..

The gentlemen in the car was a caretaker of some degree and I had asked him if he knew where this resting place was and he said to me,”some of your friends were here this morning from Mozambique” or some place like that. I was like.interesting how I have friends I didn’t even know about? AWESOME!

He gets out of the car and points at the golden eagle atop the marble column…..I can’t describe how I felt…as I had been walking around trying to find it,the golden eagle was in the corner of my right eye the whole time,it just didn’t click in my brain…I had seen it before in photos but It was so surreal that it was like a dream……I had tears of joy streaming down my face and I couldn’t contain myself.I got there and the gate had a chain on it,I looked at it and it wasn’t locked,just wrapped around it.I thought well I’m going in and if I’m not supposed to be in here someone can come and kick me out!I was there by myself….I looked at the column and read what was inscribed on it… Behold! he is the blest and sacred bough that hath branched out from the Twin Holy Trees. Well is it with him that seeketh the shelter of his shade that shadoweth all mankind. (Abdu'l-Baha)


It was like I had climbed the highest mountain top to get here…I said prayers for everyone,people who had said them for me when they had been there,friends and family that I had taken photos of so I could look at them and have them in my prayers.The amazing thing was that the sky opened up and the sun came out..It was so mystical that I felt it was for me and only me…..I felt so loved and so happy.I don’t think I have ever been this happy?........I love to sing and it was so wonderful to sing praises in such a wonderful place!I was uber happy now!

I was praying and enjoying the sun and the peacefulness of the resting pace and its beauty that was amoungst a dreary cemetery.There were some people coming to the gate and they wouldn’t come in…I figured they were waiting for me to come out and I was going to stay there till I was escorted out!The people came in and there was a lady and a man and then two other women with their children.We made eye contact and continued to pray.There was something wonderful about being there and feeling the wonder and beauty of this moment.They left to go outside and they were looking at some of the other Baha’i’s that had been buried there and they were waiting for something.


They were waiting for me to come out…… The funny thing was that one of the ladies that came in looked just like a friend of mine back home,I couldn’t help but look and she would smile at me and we would continue on praying.

She came up to me and said,”I waited till you came out because I felt so much love from you that I wanted to hug you!” We hugged and squeezed each other tightly.I said that she looked like a friend of mine whose name was Vida…and she said……MY NAME IS VIDA!..These two people could be sisters easily.

We took some photos and talked and I met the other people.The lady in the blue car was a Baha’I,and when she saw me she said that there was something about me that she noticed and that I seemed to be on a mission of sorts.She probably circled past me a few times.I looked at her and said,”I thought the same thing about you!”These Baha’i’s were there because they had decided as a community that they would go together and pray for their cluster.I am so happy they did!

We went to the caretakers building and sat down and I introduced myself to the caretaker,a sweet man who was absolutely charming!It is so wonderful to go somewhere you have never been and find people that are instant friends due to the Faith and their love for Baha’u’llah!

Now,it gets even better….and I didn’t think it was possible….


Vida asked me where I was travelling to etc.I said that I was going to Istanbul and my main purpose for the trip was to go on Pilgrimage in Haifa.It turned out that she was going to be on a 3 day visit in Haifa while I was there….It was crazy…..I’m like what is going on?We decide to go for Chinese food together ,the whole group.But first,Vida asked me if I was going to Edirne to Baha’u’llah’s house?I said I am trying to plan that but I am not sure where to start?

She said,”Don’t worry,I will take you to a lady down the street and she will give you the information you need to get to Edirne.”The little lady we met was doing a study circle and was also the book store for the area!We go into her place and her house number was numbered 99 …………..……she gives me the name of a man on the asian side of Istanbul that takes people to Edirne….phone numbers and email.I was so greatful,I couldn’t have planned it better,I think sometimes no planning is the best planning!

We went to eat and we drove for about 45 minutes and I was wondering how I was going to get back to my place…”No problem”,Vida said,”we will get you home!”We ate great food and talked about how we became Baha’i’s and how amazing it was that we were there that same day!The children were fascinating!They were so warm and chatty!So eager to talk and tell me about them selves and ask me tonnes of questions.I was sitting beside a six year old who was going on 20 because he had a plethora of knowledge in his head.It was like talking to an adult!We had a long conversation about school,life in England and the fact that he like shrimp chips!

We said our good-byes and it was sweet sorrow…such bonds were made and now it was time for me to go back to get ready to leave for Istanbul the next day.I was taken to a train station that would get me right to Russell Square.We said our good-byes and I knew that I would be seeing Vida again very soon……. To be continued.

The Pilgrimage before the Pilgrimage

On March 9th 2009,I received an email from pilgrimage@bwc.org

I saw it and I knew what it meant.......

I just cried………

It was a Monday morning and I had had many conversations with God concerning my path in life….I knew what my purpose was,I just had a hard time figuring out how the rest of my life would work with in that( I tend to over analize so this is just a minor detail).I really asked God for “something”,”anything” that would give me some direction regarding my purpose.When we as spiritual beings get stuck or fall into a hole or a cycle we need some help getting out of it.

So at this point looking into the mirror and re-assessing life seemed like a good plan.I had to deal with certain situations in my life and how I felt about many things.I questioned everything:family,friends,relationships,love,who I was,etc.I never questioned my Faith as I knew that was what I knew to be true and the constant in my life.


When I woke up that Monday and opened that e-mail and clicked to download the pdf,it was like I got my answer.From that point on I knew that things would start to fall into place because I had this new focus.I was meant to go and I was meant to go soon.So soon in fact,that I booked my trip for Nov 8-17th 2009.Crazy huh?...Well, I also had a beautiful friend of mine who on that same day I got my email she was online picking her dates!!We were talking on skype and her exact words were, “Making the decision is part of the pilgrimage”.....because if you "wait" till you have the money you will never go!"The next question I asked was….do you want to share accommodations?And it was a “yes”, with stipulations of no snoring etc.

I couldn’t believe that I had made that decision so fast!I was so happy and it created a shift in my life.I seemed to be more creative than ever,I pushed through walls that I never thought I would get through.I had come out of this spiritual funk I was in.

From that day forward I really left everything in God’s hands.I have looked at the horizon and periodically looked out the sides to see what was going on in the rest of the world.
The preparation for this pilgrimage has been intense.Many difficulties have come my way to only make me more determined to get there!

When I told my family one day during a gathering we were having,I said it fairly nonchalantly,"I'm going on pilgrimage in Israel and it was like someone stopped the music at a real fun party and everyone was really annoyed!Another part of the pilgrimage is deciding for me if I should tell people or not?Because when you tell people they always more often than not ask you..."why do you want to go there for?" not in a curious tone in a tone of "Do you want to get yourself killed?Do you know what's going on there right now?IT'S DANGEROUS!!!!etc,etc.

I remember the look on my Nana's face(she is in her 90's by the way)It was with utter dismay!!! I said to her if I live in fear I will never do anything in my life.....she replied with...yes, you are right...From that day forward it has been a pilgrimage for my family of sorts.I am the child that does the crazy stuff,like self employment,musician,painter,change religions,paint my house vibrant colours,write blogs etc.When ever I change or do something supposedly weird my family looks at them selves and thinks where did she come from??I can try to explain the pull I feel to Haifa,but I don't because it's personal and when you start explaining something and how you feel about it,it just ruins the whole experience.....

I have throughout my life always known there is something more,something bigger and better than what I knew to be true,or what I had been told was true.There has always been a pull,a force something......

I have felt the pull of The Holy Land for a very long time and it seems like it will be like going home.I remember having dreams about this place and I had never seen it before.These dreams were so vivid that it was intense and I felt very happy and at peace.I would have re-occurring dreams and some would involve people and some would not.Some would be just looking over the expanse of Mount Carmel….the thing is I had never really seen any pictures at all of this place.

I sometimes would get this overwhelming feeling,the feeling I would get was of a lot of energy going into something, like air being trapped in a balloon.When just a little extra bit of air goes in,the amount that takes it to it's breaking point, the balloon pops and all that pressure is released!

That release in pressure is like going to another level,metaphorically speaking.In my heart I know that my life has had this build up of pressure and now it is released and has taken me to a whole other level, transcendence if you will allow me that…..


I can’t even imagine what this pilgrimage will be like nor dare I try.I will leave to go to London,to visit Shoghi Effendi’s resting place.Turkey will be another stop to go to the house of Baha’u’llah,then to Haifa.Going from west to east is yet another part of the pilgrimage.I wanted to take a boat from Turkey to Haifa but not an option at this time of year.I am reading a few books before I go.One of them being “Door of Hope”.I am a fairly new Baha’i and I really need to be prepared when I go.I don’t like not knowing things and I am very curious by nature.

I had this periodic thought of guilt because I was going so soon,and was it a mistake?Would I get an e-mail saying,

”Ms.Martella,

we are sorry to inform you that we had a bit if a mix up and you weren’t supposed to get a request for pilgrimage so soon.”


With Loving Baha’i Greeetings.

Pilgrimage Office

SO..... this didn’t happen,and this not happening made me realize somethings about me and this pilgrimage that I am on right now…..It’s not easy,nothing worth having is easy!

This is just part of my pilgrimage....the next part will be coming soon and then the pilgrimage after that and so on and so forth.I just realized my life is a pilgrimage.....

I wouldn’t change any of the events in my life because they all brought me to this place,to this pilgrimage,to my Beloved…..

~Tamara

When two souls meet...

Last week on a Saturday,I was down town at a festival.Great music and fun atmosphere.I had walked past a table that a lady had set up.I wasn't sure what she was selling,I saw cds but I just kept moving.I went and moved my car like you have to do in the city so you won't get ticketed and then came back.

This lady came towards me and said,"Would you please come and spend just a few minutes listening to this piece of music,nobody has come over and you seem like you would be open to doing that. I sat down and put the head phones on and listened to this song and went thru the accompanying book.

It brought me to tears.The woman looked at me ,she was in tears also and said,"you get it!" "you get it because you are a mom of a son I said "of course I do!".She said that when she saw me that she was going to be bold and approach me.I looked at her and I said,"I know your mom!"It turns out that her mom taught me in college,and I also went to school with her!!!!!!

We talked about life and what paths we had taken.This woman was someone that I was in awe of due to her unsurmountable talents as a composer and pianist.She said that no matter what happened that day if she sold cds or not,it was worth coming to the festival just because we connected again. The funny thing was that I had thought about her a few weeks back,it was strange,and I think that God may have been preparing me for "something"....

We hugged and we cried...I said to her that when two souls meet it is the work of God,and she had said that,God made it happen.

This woman has led an interesting life,she has started over and I have started over in our lives.I think we have a purpose to fulfill.I know that if I don't keep in contact with this woman I may be missing an opportunity of a life time.I must seize my chance!

A collaboration of musicians and a collaboration of souls.

I realized that no matter what is going on in my life than I have to be a lamp,I need to shine,I need to give everything to God and trust in the process of life.I know that I have everything I need at that moment.

That day was a wonderful day full of love.I felt so much love at the moment that this old school friend and I met.

I guess the thing is that keeping my heart wide open that day was most amazing.I wonder if others have had similar experiences and how did they happen ? :)

~Tamara

Absolutely Clear - Shams al-Din Hafiz

Absolutely Clear


Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,

My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.

Shams al-Din Hafiz

I deal in LOVE....

This quote taken from St.Augustine is to the point.It has been on my mind alot lately regarding what is love,how does it happen,when do we know it happened etc.After the chemical aftermath,is that true love that which is left?Wondering the thoughts of others on this planet in search of love or if you are even searching at all.Does it really matter??


"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin6. "Love is the beauty of the soul."
--St. Augustine

Painting and passion

This painting was inspired by a picture of a sunset I saw that my dear friend Linda put up o the internet.This is the view from her house.It is an abstract view of the sunset.Right now that painting is somewhere between here and there......

















The above painting was inspired by the sun......sunsets are always fascinating to me and the fact that the colours don't come directly out of a tube, you have to play with them like a child to bring them together and get the hues you want. And this painting is actually at my friend Amber's house.I gave it as a house warming gift.I was inspired by her personality because she is always happy and cheery when I see her and her name was also an inspiration. :)

























I am always and will continue throughout my life paint scenes I think would be in the Seven Valleys and the Four Valleys if it was illustrated.That book inspires may of my paintings.























This painting is the ocean and land.The land looks like it is on fire and may be full of turmoil.

Deeds and words.......

“Do not be content with showing words alone,let your heart burn with loving kindness for all who may cross your path.” Abdu'l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 16





Deeds and words,Can we cause disunity ,while we are building the bridge of unity?

Have you ever said something to someone and then went back on your word?Have you ever said let’s talk soon and never did?

Have you ever met someone and said hey,lets get together soon and never did?

Have you ever wondered what that may do to the person we said that to?

What if this person is someone that hasn’t heard I love you very often ,or feels abandoned,has had a hug in which they don’t experience very often.,has deep conversations.

And then they nevr have contact with you again?

They are probably wondering ,I feel very deceived,separated ,I’m not important etc.
It becomes internal,then when this person is no longer around it can be very damaging and it can cause disunity, the person who experienced this deep moment may then start to think that this person doesn’t care about me,they start to manifest thoughts that aren’t unifiying


How can we keep this from happening,or can we, or is it inevitable or is it part of it? We build a bridge and then we close the gate.This is a question that has been on my mind for a long time.


Facebook for example is a place where you can get a lot of people who become your friend,I have friends that have defriended because they don’t have a connection,they are not really friends they don’t talk ,we live in a world where we know that people are really wanting to have relationships…….committed ones ,…are difficult ….it’s a lot of work ,whether it’s a marriage or a friendship between two people that share a similar vision,its a lot of work and can carry disappointment and we realise that these things can happen.

Can you work thru it and where is your relationship at?Because if you don’t hear from people you think gee I am not as important to this person as they may have said and maybe they were just talking cow poop to me.

That is one of the things that has been on my mind

This is something that has to be delt with,it happens a lot between men and women,men and men, women and women,lack of transparency.

People don’t realize what is going on because communication has stopped.

I have a small group of friends that I will do anything for, will talk about anything with them,I love them ,and they know this ,I make no bones about it.because if I love you ,you are going to hear it all the time!!
They don’t have to doubt it ,it is transparent.Mostly, we are not honest and clear about what we mean, with our actions.When I say I love you ,I mean you are in my heart and in my life.


We shouldn’t just say things like I love you ,you are special to me, when we use phrases we have to really realize what we are saying, because to other people it’s a big deal and it may be the only connection they have to the light, to the love and seeing spirituality in a different way.

This is a priority to look at that our words and our actions agree.

Actions speak louder than words.If you say to someone that you love them or you care for them,and you don’t come through, you need to commit or not say it at all.

Its very damaging ,can change that view of that person towards other people
Or of others who may come to them after and say to them I love you, you are important or we are friends..”Friend” has been used loosely on the amount of networking sites that exist,I have people that follow me on twitter, most are networking trying to get me to look at their stuff, if I am going to look at their stuff, or blog or website,I am going to do it,I’m going to block people if I want to.

I am on this earth to progress my soul and having empty relationships is not a way I am going to go about doing it.


I am interested in what people have to think about this subject?

Peace~T